A SINNER’S “RESERVATIONS”

Deep breath gushing my lungs,I hesitantly close my eyelids,
Disturbing past still haunts me,the fear is hauntingly morbid.
Wiping the dripping sweat off his palms,the man besides me gets ready,
The chief glances at his stone studded watch,time ticks on,ever so steady.

Oh! It hurts,this is one final moment for belated repentance,
Before the FINAL ACT begins,stripping me off life’s sustenance.
With pain,remorse,guilt and grief,I make a final attempt to look back,
Destiny beckons me for higher regions,even the angel is dressed in pitch black.

Guided,misguided,intoxicated fanatically under the garb of religion,
Me and my mob set on a violent rampage:disaster had just begun.
We burnt the homes,blood suckingly ensuring that survivors were far and few,
Even during his last moments,the baby in his pram was smiling,as only he could do.

The riots ended:we were exposed,cursed and castigated: the trial was announced,
With a helpless child in arms,my wife collapsed when the verdict was hastily pronounced.
The sword had ruthlesly slit open many a throat,chopped of many a limb,ripped apart many a rib,
But its decibel levels were silenced with those fateful,everlasting impressions made by the judge’s nib.

I know my Dad stands embarrassed,my mom is agonized,as slowly to the ground she sank,
My thumb is numb,my feet are trembling now,my heart is heavy and my mind has gone blank.
I had defeated the very purpose of my schooling,my religion:even GOD would struggle to forgive,
This burning desire for soothing atonement envelopes me:a few final moments before I cease to live.

My actions hurt me tremendously,I am unable to bear the weight of my sins,
I am desperate to make amends:they are pricking me hard like poisoned pins.
But its well beyond my time now,however hard I am willing to give one final try,
This outdated, atrocious I.P.C 302 will have its final say:leaving me high and dry.

I know I am a sinner,drowning in my own bloody pool of sins,leaving behind a stain that will for ever sting,
But the judge,the chief and all others who framed me for taking lives:aren’t they “officially doing the same thing?
I want to go back,seek atonement for my sins,leave a better place than what i saw last,
But it won’t happen till I.P.C 302 exists:will someone please remove the junk quick and fast?

The chief nods,the executioner is ready now to raise the bar,
I shut my eyes: my mom,my mad,my wife,my child are ever so far.
The black angel smiles reassuringly,ready to welcome me with open arms:a self conscious offender,I will have myself to blame,
But you officials,who still make flawed laws with MINORITY APPEASEMENT & RESERVATION: go hang your heads in shame!

The above fiction is an account of a man who feels hard done by the reservation and minority appeasement system existing in India.Capitalizing on this,political goons instigate him into religious violence,and frame him.During his final moments, he repents for his sins and condones the RESERVATION and MINORITY APPEASEMENT system and I.P.C 302:which prescribes death penalties.

Beating Boredom

It has been just two days since resignation but already its been tough.It is always a struggle when we miss something which is a routine for quite sometime.I have spent time watching Cricket Matches and songs on Television. I am really running out of ideas as to how to spend the next few days.I think I am well past those days when I used to have a voracious appetite for books.I simple don’t have the patience to sit through an entire novel these days.But today morning , I chanced upon Paddy Upton’s blogs.I read only a couple of them but I just can’t have enough of it.The thought process of this man is simply mind blowing.For those who have not heard of him, Paddy Upton is the ‘Biokineticist’ & Sports Psychologist of the Indian Cricket Team.

One topic that instantly caught my fancy was “Self Organized Learners”.To put it in simple terms,he calls those willing to practice this theory as “people who think for themselves”.The best thing is that he stops with just a couple of lines,instead of dwelling on it,allowing the reader to come up with his/her own interpretations and relate to his/her own thought process.This set me thinking,and I tried to come up with my own interpretations of what he meant.The following are my personal views where in I have tried to come up with a summary as to how we can assimilate his thoughts.The individual,sits down,thinking on what could be the possible solutions to a particular scenario.The same applies to all players in a group.At the end,each individual shares his/her views to bring out the best possible outcome.It sounds so simple,but it is very tough to practice.The process behind it is amazing, a closer look would reveal that each individual has set his mind thinking to find a solution without any external help,and also learn the best practices of others.Thus,after each group analysis,the individual emerges a better person than what he was before it,and also the quality of the team improves after every outing.This is not a scenario where people are thrown the long end of the rope without a clue.At the same time,there is no focal point or “senior mentor”.Each peer latently helps the other!

Imagine each and every one of us thinking to ourselves ” I am no Edison.I am no Einstein either.I may not have the capacity to invent anything( who cares for it??!!),but still,I definitely can do certain things,the best way as only I possibly can!”.Sounds great!

Paddy Upton’s theories are tailor made for guys like me,who don’t have the patience to sit through personality improvement lectures for long hours.Only the tip is revealed,and the rest is left to our imagination.I am this sort of person who loves sitting alone,and imagining,living out, dreaming- (I just can’t find the right phrase)- about the things that I want to do in the very near future,I see it visually, as to how we see a cinema..and I try penning it down in words.. yes a perennial “dreamer”.. but who does not love to dream??

It also set me thinking on a few other things that I have been trying hard to practice.Just two weeks before my resignation,I had decided that I wanted to be good( or at least diplomatic,at best) to each and every one I was gonna get in touch with.It was difficult,believe me,at times people really tested my nerves but I quickly realized it was not impossible.I knew that it was possibly the last time I was gonna meet a few people in person for the near future,so I had made up my mind that,at least by the time I leave,parties from both sides should have only pleasant memories.I was reasonably successful I should say.I even went to the extent of taking people who bitched about me ,behind my back to my manager for a treat,with me bearing the expenses.I personally believe that it works out best when you try to be good to people who were not so good to you, as it stings them hard!One of the foremost things that made it possible was cutting down on expectations.Frustration arises mostly when expectations are not met,leading to bitterness and anger,so I had lowered my expectations.Nope it was not a Saint life,where one has to cut down on the root causes( which, in my humble opinion is never possible for mortals like us).It was just plain simple life in the sense that one needs to hold back on the urge to chase things that we covet/desire , but when it comes along,there is no harm in enjoying it to the fullest.I have tried to put this into practice,and it has been quite an emotional bliss so far.

Yeah I think we can wind up on that cos else,it would be me blowing my own trumpet a bit too much.This prompts me to ruminate on another happening that has set me thinking.A clip of Mr.T R (Vijaya T.Rajhendhar) losing his cool when a reporter asks him why he is not able to draw crowds like others.What followed was utter chaos,with T.R making desperate efforts to promote himself.This happens sometimes to us too.We try to comfort ourselves with the fact that we are the best,or better than other/other(s) who we think are our rivals,without pausing to think if we really have solid credentials to back ourselves.It becomes really dangerous,as after a point,our growth as an individual might stop,if we refuse to come out of the cocoon,as we first fix it up in our mind that we are correct, and then try to reason out facts for it,though ideally it should be the other way around.So that could probably be my next challenging activity.To go back in time and check out if I had acted with that sort of mindset in any such situation,and if possible set it right at least now.Look at the classic digression in topic.I had started out with Paddy Upton’s “thinking for ourselves”,only to end up talking about myself, and our TR,moving over to “thinking about ourselves” instead.Paddy Upton and T.R,though in contrasting styles, have set me thinking!
More to come..